one thing remains

lessons from a sparrow

on cal day this year, i woke up at 730am to give someone a ride and then came back home to do work. i had a cal day research poster presentation from 11-1, so i had to plan my study schedule around it, especially since i had a lab final and quiz early the following week. i used to scoff at people who made detailed studying schedules, but have recently been more meticulous about planning my own studying time and it’s proven to be effective (the phrase ‘if you fail to plan, plan to fail’ stuck with me). 

it was right before i jumped in the shower that i received a text from a HS friend - a mutual HS friend had died. no other details, just that she was gone. 

i went through the rest of the day with a heavy heart. why? i asked. wendy was smart, ambitious, about to graduate from Harvard…but what weighed on me more was that i’m pretty sure that she wasn’t a Christian.

i had a really hard time with that.

but after asking God, talking to friends and family, and reflecting God gave me my answer on the way home from class yesterday. 

I had just finished my last Tuesday of the year…and by that I mean Tuesdays with 6 straight hours of class. So, I trudged up the hill near Morrison after discussion, i was eager to get home. i’m fatter not in as good shape as i once was, so i tend to look down as i walk up steep hills, and i chanced upon small, brown sparrows, hopping innocently between students, pecking at the ground for food. i remembered that song, which im sure was derived from the bible, that says that “not even a sparrow falls to the earth that God doesn’t know about” (or something like that). that gave me so much hope, because i myself have never seen a sparrow die.

but God has seen every detail of the life of every sparrow. ever. and if that’s true, i know that He loved wendy. and He will love her always.

RIP Wendy H. Chang. I will miss your smile and our conversations.

“i’m sorry i had to crush you” - constance chen

i am so mad. incredibly mad. i just lost 404-383 on words with friends arch-nemeses. here are some highlights that constance utilized to beat me.
- yar
- baguet (WTH!??!)
- zinged
- roc
- toke
- si (that is definitely spanish)

i am determined to win!!!!!!!! 

clear eyes, full hearts, but can still lose

i just finished watching friday night lights the movie (which i loved and recommend) and was inspired to challenge connie to ’words with friends’ . even though we are separated by distance, we can still play games and have fun right? right? wrong. she just played ‘zinged’ on a triple word for 57 points. her lowest word play was for 20 points. im now down by over 70 points 4 turns into the game. :(

when words speak louder than actions

i would like to think that i don’t care what others think or say. i would like to be able to say that im strong enough of a person to brush off hurtful or damaging words. but i’ve realized that it’s a lot harder than it sounds. although much facebook pictoral evidence with wes may state otherwise, touch is actually not my first love language: words of affirmation is. maybe that’s why i take what people say so personally, especially when they come from friends in my christian fellowship. some things i’ve heard that i can remember hearing:
- you suck. you’re terrible. you’re really bad at ______ 
- shut up.
- nobody cares.
- get out.
- i like (this person) more than you.
 
many of these things, though maybe stated in jest, still have taken root in my heart at some point. and from those roots festers bitterness and anger at those from whom the words first originated. on one hand is anger and hurt at receiving what i consider to be some form of verbal abuse. one time can be considered a joke. repetition over the months and years is verbal abuse. on the other hand, is sadness. hurtful words not only cause pain, but also preclude deeper conversations, vulnerability, and intimacy. the saddest part is that those saying hurtful words often are not aware they are doing so, and may not realize the effects of their actions, if at all. i hope that we can all consider james 3:9, which says:

⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.

as a disclaimer, i am not saying this to just complain, or passively aggressively lash out at those who have hurt me. i am just as guilty as everyone else, and God knows that I myself have made poor decisions and said things i wish i could take back. but my point is this: when we encounter people everyday, whether it be a conversation online, happenstance meeting on campus, or meeting for a meal, we have an opportunity and a choice. we have the chance to lift someone up, to encourage, or to bless them, or we can hinder, tear down, or destroy them with what we say or do. i hope that we will always be considerate both in not only what we say, but also imply and think, so that we would choose to give life to others, not take it. because sometimes it is better to not only consider what we are saying, but how it can be received by those who are hearing us.

oh be careful, little mouth, what you say. 

MCAT

The title of this blog is about the test that I took a couple weeks ago, but this story is about my summer. I will try my best to capture in not-so-many words my experience.

for all those who don’t know, i spent approximately the beginning of june to the end of august. i took a class. i would recommend other premeds planning on taking it to take a class as well, just to stay focused, and to get motivation from teachers and fellow classmates. i also probably will not end up telling people how i did. although that is what many people will be interested in, i think the process was incredibly valuable in and of itself, and i would like to share that with you.

studying was hard. when asked about how i felt about studying before i had actually started studying, i often gave bravado-filled remarks that i would be able to do it. i’d studied for the SAT so should be no big deal. i was wrong. dead wrong. i can safely say that i would not have made it without my family and without connie, who (including biscuit), were the only 5 people i saw on a regular basis this summer. my parents counseled me when I doubted myself, or doubted God’s provision for strength to study, or for Him to help me when I needed him badly. 

connie was my best friend this summer. in my self-exile, she was also my only friend. although i had to study most of the day, connie was always there in the evening to listen to me, to encourage me, to pray for me. it was tough, because we had only started dating a couple weeks before i had gone down to socal, and we never had a proper honeymoon stage i guess. nevertheless, connie never complained, and was extremely patient and gave so much to make sure i was okay and doing well. i looked forward so much to talking on the phone or skype because it would literally be the best part of my day.

on test day, after entering the room, getting patted down for weapons/items with which to cheat, fingerprinted, i finally sat down at my desk. in front of me, the test was programmed to begin, with my name printed. i skipped the tutorial. never read it before and wasn’t going to start now. then the first section popped up: PHYSICAL SCIENCES. You have 70 minutes to complete this section. There are 52 questions. They will be difficult. or something along those lines anyways.

i remember before beginning the test, i thought about all the people who had invested so much in me. my parents, who always encouraged me, and lifted me up when i was down. my mom who always made sure i ate right and had good fruit to eat, especially apples so that i would digest well. my mom who is miniature in stature, but whose spirit is one of the strongest that i’ve ever experienced, and always inspires me to do my best and to love others well. my dad, who isn’t that strong of a person, but works himself to exhaustion regularly to support me and my family. my dad who drove with me to norcal and then flew down the same day, even though he was very sick and had pink eye and could barely see. who drove most of the way because i was so tired and couldnt drive very much. my sister who i’ve missed and appreciated more and more as we get older because we are very like-minded. my sister who understands in a game of taboo that when i say ‘millenium’ that the word that im searching for is ‘falcon’. connie who stood by me through so much, who brightened so many of my days. connie with whom i led life discipleship my junior year. connie, who i believe is the best girl that i know.

i thought to myself, to all of you who have done so much (and to prayer team, who gave me care packages and encouraging notes, and friends who texted and dropped by to see how i was doing and wished me luck): however this turns out, i don’t know how to thank you.

Click ‘Next’ to begin.

If you have any other suggestions I’d be happy to talk or give advice (the little I can provide). Thanks for reading :). For all those who have finished tests too, let’s go celebratee

i’ve got peace like a river in my soul

i’ve been wondering how we know that God is good. it’s really easy (for me) to praise God when things are good. when things are bad, we pray that God would ‘come through’, and when things are good again, then we can say that “God was faithful. He provided.” But it’s not quite that simple, is it? God is good all the time…not just when things are good or no longer crappy.

hmm.

i find myself at the end of a very difficult year. and im tired. at times, it’s been hard for me to understand where God is, and/or what He’s doing. time and time again, it seemed that my faithfulness and that of others wasn’t being rewarded, while others flourished in relationships, academics, what have you. i know that being faithful and being blessed is not as simple as an exchange of goods for services, but sometimes I found myself questioning “what am I doing wrong?” God, cut me some slack here.

and so back to the original question: how do we know that God is good? how do i know that this year was good? God provided so much for me over the year, watching over my health, guiding my steps, and allowing me to be a part of a MOC that i am so thankful for. but what about finals? what if im not happy with my grades? and it’s the second week of may and i seem like the only one still desperately figuring out housing for next year. is God good still?

as usual, the Bible has the answer.

phillipians 4:4-7 says: ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

this message at Convergence really hit home today. Paul says to rejoice always. no matter what. and your worries/fears/concerns? give them to God. He’ll take care of them. such a simple lesson…but so hard for me to live out. 

God, you are good! and i rejoice in you. i pray for this peace that transcends all understanding, upon myself, and all my fellow students taking finals this week. no matter what shows up under ‘academic record’ under bearfacts in a few weeks (or whatever else may happen for that matter), we declare that you are good, even if this ends up being my worst semester academically at cal, or if this apartment search extends far into the summer. you are good not because of how you came through, or gave us this or that, but just because you are God and you love us. 

that last bit isn’t that logical, but since this peace-that-transcends-all-understanding is supposed to ‘transcend all understanding’, i suppose that’s okay. i pray that my faith (and yours!) will survive.

see you all on the other side!